Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
how was your vacation
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no