Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite