Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
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Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.