Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…