[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
kevin is now a local weatherman
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.