[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
You Might Also Like
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.