Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine