I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!