[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
You Might Also Like
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.