Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
You Might Also Like
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
inventing words: clothing
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
lol
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams