Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me driving through Toronto
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.