Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”