Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents