I had to Stop for this
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????