So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you