As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.