I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
meow
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.