Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
is this a threat
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this