Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Bike is short for Bichael.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her