[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
You Might Also Like
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”