Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.