Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Unimpressed
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n