I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out