[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate