Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
we’re gonna need another temp
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready