Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
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me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.