Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*exercises sarcastically*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
my astrological sign is a french fry
You can’t rush stupid.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
This was my dad’s browser history.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s