I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.