If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
How do you like your Corgi?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
me and who
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.