Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
sleeping beauty
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?