sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Golf would be better with landmines.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
He died doing what he loved: being alive