I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
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*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
cats when you pet them too long:
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen