Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Legend 🤣🤣
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.