A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
How do dragons blow out candles?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”