My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Genius idea!!
Oh hi lol
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards