[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
“Sheer Arrogance”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
why would tinder want me to say this
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Planet of the Apps.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.