If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Tier 3 meme
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…