Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.