I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
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Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.