Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys