You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Solving a traffic jam
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…