cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.