Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
How do dragons blow out candles?
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
This checks out
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..