ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Peter Parker Peter Driver
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled