Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.