every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
#merica
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.