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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*