if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
sigh
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!