instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.