This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I did not eat the cake…
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.